Self Analysis Mode

Sometimes at 40 one feels that one has learned all that there is to learn in our life time. By learn, I mean lessons in self discovery. It is safe to say that by the time we hit 40, we think we know ourselves fairly well to anticipate how we would react in a particular situation.

Of course life still has some surprises and sometimes we discover that we react in a totally different way from what we believe about ourselves. In the process we learn something new about ourselves. The things we feel we have buried in our mind long time back, can and sometimes do come back to haunt us.

Here are stray incidents of the last four-to-five months, which make me think that I can be horrible at times: 

1. 1.  A college friend called up when I was in hospital last month. I wasn’t able to take the call. Every day, for the last one month, I think I have to call her and every day I don’t. I do like to talk to her and she was dear friend but I simply don’t. Is it just procrastination? I am not sure…but I do this quiet often. What does this say about me? I am a horrible, horrible person...
2. 2. Something happened last week and I was almost stunned to discover that I still held on to my old grudges and mental handicaps. It amazed me to no end. I had convinced myself that I no longer held grudges against this particular person but when the moment came, I reacted in exactly the same manner as I would have five years back. I was under the impression that I no longer held any bitterness but of course I did. Conclusion: I don’t let go of my grudges very easily…
3. 3. Sometimes I am rude to people for no rhyme or reason. A PR person called up yesterday to pitch for a story on a new restaurant in town. Sure he had erred but I blasted him for full five minutes and I am sure he must have had an extra drink yesterday to get over it. The intensity of my anger was a revelation even to me.
4.      Sometimes I am rude even with my own friends. I think I do it only with people I know will understand. But it is still an awful thing to do and can be very upsetting…
5. 4.     Another facet I realized over the last few months is that I can be extremely conceited at times. Earlier I wouldn’t think twice before putting the other person’s happiness over mine. Now I can be very selfish and I keep my and my family’s contentment over everything else. Depending on the situation this can be a positive or a negative trait.

 Well, who said I was perfect...