Why I Never Tell My Daughter That Boys And Girls Are Equal

Why I Never Tell My Daughter That Girls And Boys Are Equal…

My parents almost drilled in my sister and myself that boys and girls are equal and that there is no difference between a son and a daughter. This was almost groundbreaking in a country, which is known for its preference of boys over girls. I never doubted it and passionately believed that I had as much a chance to realize my dreams as our neighbor’s son.

Unfortunately, I never ever repeat the same to our daughter. As a policy I don’t ever (not even casually) give an impression to my daughter that she is equal or better than boys. She is our only child so clearly the daughter has the best of what we can offer but the world outside is strikingly different and I would want her to be prepared for it.

Were my parent’s wrong in instilling equality of sexes in me? I would say that they were not wrong but they didn’t show me the other side of the picture. The world I encountered as an adult didn’t offer equal opportunities to boys and girls and I don’t want our daughter to grow up with any misconceptions.

I didn’t have much choice but to get married by the age of 25 years (as is the norm in India) and drop my fledgling career to join my husband in a tier B city. I was depressed for quiet some time. Was it a case of equal opportunity? No, definitely not.

Further it was imbibed in us that girls have to be economically independent and that is the only path to empowerment. What I was not told was that I was expected to change my priorities after marriage; that social norms dictate that I should always put personal life before my professional life.

The imbalance was even more apparent in professional life. While my male colleagues were judged only on the basis of their work, the female janta had to explain who would look after their kids, once they were promoted. Interview after interview I was asked whether I was married and how I will balance family and work, as if it was just my prerogative.

Don’t get me wrong. I am exceedingly lucky to have a very understanding husband and in-laws. I was never really questioned and almost always given the option of taking my own decisions. Most member of my sex in India cannot claim this.

But I wonder about the society in general and hardly see any sign of equality. Why then should I not prepare our daughter for reality? Why should I give her the impression that the world and life is fair?

Today’s India is definitely skewed in favor of men or boys. Why not grow up facing the reality that girls and boys are in fact different and society has different expectations from both. Should we strive for equality? Yes of course. But till then it might be better to avoid bringing up our girls with an illusion that the society offers equal platform for both because it simply doesn’t.

Enjoy While It Lasts

Enjoy While It Lasts…

Off late my 13-year old daughter keeps telling me that she can’t wait to be 18 years old and then she would move out of the `jail’ (yeah, I who imagined myself as an indulgent mom is jail superintendent).

I smile and ask her to elaborate on the fantasy of staying away from parents. What exactly will she do? “I will get up whenever I want to and do whatever I felt like,” says the daughter. “What exactly is this `whatever’,” I insist. “Hmmm…like buying clothes which I feel like; I will not eat any fruit for days…I will watch whichever movies I want to and play for as long as I want to,” says the girl, who is clearly in a good mood.

She believes being an adult is freedom to do whatever you want to. She is really off the mark, as most of us know. I so want to tell her that being an adult is such drudgery. To think about future; money; meals; bank stuff; taxes; work-life balance; mean horrible bosses; retirement; insurance etc. is no fun.

I want to tell her to enjoy being young and without any major responsibility for as long as she can. Why would anyone want to grow up when the only headache in life is to complete your homework? When you don’t have to worry about putting food on table or your bank balance? Why rush though life when there is so much to enjoy in the present? Enjoy my dear, for it will be over soon…

I don’t say any of this because I know she will not understand.

“Hmmm…since you are clear about what you want in life, maybe it is a good idea to develop some life skills. I think you can start by learning how to clean the room and then maybe how to cook. Of course you can learn to cook whatever you feel like. The clothes that you buy [once you are 18 yrs] would need to be kept properly and I won’t be around to do that, right??”

“Grrrrr…..,” the daughter growls and walks out of the room.

Sigh!!

February 19, 2015

Generation Gap

I have been wanting to write this post for a long time now but something always stops me. Whatever. 

More I interact with my daughter, older I feel. People keep telling me that age is just a number. Yeah. Sure. It most definitely is not, especially if you are reminded by a young and a growing daughter about your uncoolness every single day.

The signs of feeling old are all around me:

1.     She uses words, which I just don’t understand. Words like `Duh’, `sush and more such idiotic terms which hardly mean a thing. At the risk of sounding really old and uncool, I asked her what does `duh’ mean. Her eyes almost popped out of sockets and then believe it or not, she said, `duh’ and walked off.

2.     She puts on music I find hard to listen let alone appreciate. Some song about “where my demons live.”, which she likes to play in loop whenever she gets control of her system. 

3.     I have to regularly take her help in understanding technology especially if it is an Apple product. There are some applications on my phone which I just don’t understand and have to regularly request her help.      

• She thinks and believes it is difficult to live without internet. I come from a generation which has lived for a few years without internet and mobile phones and heaven will not fall if I again have to live without being connected. Hell, we didn't even have that ancient looking black phone while growing up in Kanpur. This makes me feel really old...

4.     The Daughter is most comfortable with 3D movies and I have to hold her hand and control an urge to shout if I see a dinosaur walking towards us. “It is just a movie mama,” she would admonish. Wait. Wasn’t that supposed to be my dialogue. Very sad this is and very scary.

5.     Movies are probably where the difference or generational gap is most visible. Every time I look at TV at what she is watching I see that the world is coming to an end; people are fighting with weird looking creatures to find some treasure in Egypt; aliens are trying to take over the planet; harry potter etc. “Why don’t you watch something which has normal human beings in the cast?” is my usual refrain. The daughter just looks at me as if I have landed from some other planet.

6.     My daughter thinks if I haven’t read Percy Jackson I have wasted my years. 

Shopping With A Teenager

Shopping with a teenager can be a very stress inducing experience. Yesterday I found myself in this situation when our daughter demanded to be taken for a shopping post her good performance in examinations. I just could not say no and thus started an odyssey which can only be described as (for want of a better word) chaotic and never ending.

We reached our destination to purchase both both casual and slightly formal attire. One big question staring at us was where to shop—in the kids section or adult section. Our daughter is at that stage in life when sometimes she would find clothes in the children and sometimes the XS size in the adult section would be perfect for her. She refuses to believe that she has almost outgrown the kids section and generally resists going in the adult section to purchase clothes. After much haggling I was finally able to convince her that it would be best to explore the adult section.

As soon as we made our way in the adult section, she picks up a fluorescent yellow top from the counter and tries to convince me that it would be perfect for her. I look at it incredulous but decide to go along in spite of the fact that I can barely stand that ugly looking thing. This was followed by a pair of purple corduroy jeans, red jeggings, blue shorts, one navy blue shiny top and some other equally colorful things.

At this stage I had a fair idea that no way was I going to agree to that truckload of stuff she had picked up randomly over the last half an hour. So I had also started to calculate what to resist and what to agree to.

We finally head to the trial room. Anybody with a teenager daughter would agree that this trial takes eternity. She tried the shiny top first of course. “I think it is too shiny,” she says. “I quite like this. Acha lag raha hai,” I try to convince her. “Hmmm no no. Yeh size theek nahi hai. Mujhe dosra size laa ke do,” she suddenly decides the size is not right. After a brief resistance, I go and get her the desired size. That was tried and out of the blue, “I don’t like this color somehow. It is not looking nice.” By this time I was slightly irritated that we had spent almost half an hour on one dress when the truckload was waiting to be tried. “Fine. Let’s not go for it then,” I was ready to do anything to go on to the next piece of attire. “On second thoughts, it will go well with my red jeans. Let’s take this,” says the daughter. I jumped at it and said, “Good decision. Now let’s go to the next one.”

Finally after much haggling, quibbling and negotiating, the truckload was reduced to half before starting the trialing process. Frankly I had no choice otherwise both the showroom employees and myself would have ended in mental asylum.

It took a long time for this shopping trip to come to an end and I was totally, totally drained by the end of it. But I was happy that I was able to sneak in two-to-three clothes of my choice. Small victory but whatever...